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Debt Management

Credit Counseling

Women and Money

Need to get solvent?

Start by identifying your emotional-spending trigger points.

from Working Mother
October 2003
By Linda Stern

You know you're in a vicious cycle when reading your credit card bill gets you so depressed that you head to the mall for another little "pick-me-up." Don't be surprised if you meet some other overextended women there, shopping as if their lives depended on it. In a debt-loaded nation, where "buy more" messages are relentless, some of the consumers most likely to end up stretched across a financial chasm are working mothers. "My typical client," says Howard Dvorkin, president of a credit counseling service in Fort Lauderdale, FL, is a thirty-something woman with a job, a husband, two kids, no time and a boatload of stress. The operative words? Time and stress.

Of course, mothers have endless shopping lists, filled with everything from must-haves like kids' shoes to the only slightly less necessary items like trumpet lessons or a Saturday night babysitter. But debt happens when you spend what you don't have. "Soon you're feeling overwhelmed and ashamed," says a member of Debtors Anonymous. Getting to that point is unfortunately easy, especially if you fall into common traps-some practical, some emotional.

One of the biggest: the time-is-money trap. When you're hellaciously busy, convenience trumps savings almost every time. That's true even if, like Lisa Kranicz, of Queens, NY, you're the kind of consumer who once took pride in a different way of doing things. Kranicz juggles a full-time insurance job and caring for a 2-year-old daughter and an 8-month-old son. "In two short years," she says, "my mentality has gone from 'Why would anyone ever pay for precut cheese cubes?' to being the Queen of Precut Cheese Cubes. To save time-so that I might savor three seconds alone at some point in my day-I now buy every convenience product imaginable," even if that means spending more. But she and her husband haven't been able to save in recent years, and she worries that they won't be able to afford a house.

And who has the time to spend on frugal activities like comparison shopping? When you've already put in your eight-plus hours, carpooled (while checking voicemail) and still face making dinner, are you really going to drive an extra 15 minutes to save $3.50 on diapers? (In fact, you're more likely to stop for carryout.)

The practical answers are the tried-and-true: Put yourself on a budget and set a regular date with yourself to handle the financial to-do list before the situation (and those late fees) spirals out of control. Olivia Mellan, a therapist, author of Overcoming Overspending and a reformed debtor who works as a "money coach," teaches clients behavior-modification techniques. For example, keep an emotional-spending diary-but use it to gain clarity, not as a tool for beating yourself up.

The harder part is finding your spending trigger points-and the will to resist them. Laura Green, a psychologist in Rocky River, OH, reels off the relevant feelings: sad or frustrated; lonely or unappreciated; or entitled ("I've had a killer week-I deserve this Coach bag"). When Diana Martell, a private-school office manager in Miami, found herself divorced, with a 2-year-old, she sought solace at the mall, shopping for clothes. "It was refreshing and made me feel better," she says. But her debt climbed to $8,000 before she got counseling from Dvorkin's group three years ago. She has since reduced it to $5,000.

Mothers who clamp down on their own indulgences often loosen up-too far-when it comes to the kids. Fulfilling that hunger to shop feels more legit if you're whipping out the plastic for an adorable pair of lace-trimmed anklets. Kranicz (the Precut Cheese Queen) says that shopping for her kids assuages the anxiety she sometimes feels about being at work, not with them. "It makes me feel closer to them," she says.

To rein in emotional spending, say counselors, you have to teach yourself new mental "scripts": If you spend too much on the kids, try keeping the wallet closed by telling yourself that this habit will make you the best possible mom; you'll be denying them only what you can't really afford. Most important , teach yourself new ways to fill the hole that a credit card never will. "Nurture your core," says Mellan. Find nonfinancial ways to feel good on high-stress days. Her new hobbies, Mellan says, helped her kick her debt habit: "I make jewelry and give it away, and I tap-dance."

And make sure it's a family endeavor. Dawn Johnston, a trainer with the Texas Department of Health in Austin, and her husband, with a blended family of five children, have spent the last three years wrestling $20,000 worth of debt down below $2,000. First they targeted their most dangerous habits. "If we had a bad day, instead of buying things after work-model train supplies for him, clothes for me-we'd come home and talk to one another." They went for walks to plan a budget and started spending lunch hours together, eating cheaply and, yes, shopping-but at thrift stores, a safer place to indulge the buying habit. Having one another has helped, she adds. "Together we've made it not so overwhelming."